Okay class, settle down.
I'm talking specifically topeople who drive cars on Scott Air Force Base, Illinois, this afternoon. Anyone here not from Scott? You, at the back...what's that? No, this is not Philosophy 101, this is Driving with NinjaMedic 150. You want the class across the hallway....Professor Russell is the dude you need to see.
Okay. Let's begin.....
It has come to my attention (in a very abrupt way, I might add) that some of you seem to be unable to navigate crowded parking lots. Completely, totally and utterly unable. As in you seem to lose your motherfucking minds when you're in a parking lot, more specifically the commissary parking lot on base. I'm talking to you, little Asian lady in the white car. And you, middle aged man in the blue Explorer. Actually, I'm talking to all of you who were in said parking lot at the same time as me this afternoon.
Never fear, NinjaMedic is here, and I can help you!
Let's start with how you SHOULD navigate a crowded parking lot, shall we? Do you all have something to write with and something to write on? Yes? Good. We'll begin:
There is usually a main thoroughfare with rows of spaces running perpendicular to this thoroughfare. In the commissary lot, there are TWO thoroughfares, with the rows in between them. Each row is ONE WAY, meaning that you can enter from one end, but not the other. A good way to tell which way the rows are aligned is to look to see which way ALL THE OTHER CARS ARE POINTED AND GO ALONG WITH THEM. What you don't want to do is go against that; it causes problems and it's going to make getting into a space really very difficult.
Now, let's move on: does anyone have an idea about what you really, really don't want to do in a parking lot? What's the number one thing you shouldn't ever do? Anyone?
*sigh* Ok....well, I guess I'll tell you. What you never, ever, ever want to do is COME TO A SUDDEN AND COMPLETE STOP ON THE MAIN THOROUGHFARE SO YOU CAN SPEND 30 SECONDS PEERING DOWN ONE OF THE ROWS TO SEE IF THERE'S AN EMPTY SPACE.
EVEN WORSE, YOU REALLY, REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT WITH EACH. AND. EVERY. FUCKING. ROW.
You know how insurance companies, particularly health insurance companies, talk about 'never events'? Events that shouldn't ever, under any circumstances happen? Yeah. Think of it like that. It's a 'never event' for the parking lot.
What's that? Why shouldn't you do it, you ask? Good question!
YOU SHOULDN'T EVER DO IT BECAUSE THE PERSON FOLLOWING YOU MAY NOT BE PREPARED FOR YOU TO STOP SO SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING, WHICH CAN RESULT IN YOUR GETTING REAR-ENDED.
Luckily, I'm an attentive driver and I half anticpated your actions today. Call it gut instinct or whatever you will, I just had the feeling that you were going to do what you did and I managed to react accordingly.
However, the person behind me wasn't quite so attentive and I nearly became the filling in an elderly/obese driver sandwich. Had I not taken evasive action and sounded my horn (yes, I know it got you all addled, but please understand that had I not done it and got your attention (and the attention of the person behind me), I'd have been rear ended and would have been shunted into you. My big ol' truck would have done your little car some serious damage. You would probably have hurt your neck and back. The police and EMS would have had to respond. Statements would have been made......and guess who would have been at fault?
I'll give you a hint: it wouldn't have been me.
YES!! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FAULT, BECAUSE YOU CAME TO A HALT IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD WITH NO GOOD REASON OR ADEQUATE WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I know that you just wanted to see if there were any parking spaces 10' closer than the ones you just drove past. I understand that you have difficulty ambulating at times; I realize that it can be painful for you. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to find a closer spot (although I do have to question whether this habit has anything to do with your morbid obesity, middle aged man in the blue Explorer. Perhaps an extra 10' of walking every now and then might help reduce your overall jiggle a little, yes?). However, you have to understand that there are safe ways of going about finding a parking spot, and what you did this afternoon is NOT, I repeat, IS NOT one of them.
So, do any of you have any questions?
I'll take your silence as a 'negative'.
Class dismissed.....oh, and please, drive carefully. I'll just wait here until I'm sure you're all at least half a mile away....
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