Sunday, December 28, 2008

And the problem is...?

I read with great interest the US Army's decision to NOT let it's medics use clot-inducing materials like Woundstat.

I'm actually quite stunned by the decision. And worried, because if what I want to happen actually happens, Woundstat would be one of the things I carry in my pack.

Woundstat is supposed to be used AS A LAST RESORT to stop your patient bleeding out on you in the field. It's supposed to buy you some evac time, to give you a chance to get your patient to a treatment facility or other controlled environment. It is SUPPOSED to create a clot to reduce blood loss. That's it's function.

So, why has the Army quit using it for now?

Because it creates clots. "Dangerous clots". By that I'm guessing they mean emboli.

Here's the thing: no emboli have been seen in human studies. Nope, they've only figured out that this CAN cause emboli in animal studies.

As far as I know, a live patient with the potential to throw an emboli is better than a dead one, 'cause dead is dead is dead. Hospitals - field hospitals, even - have the ability to mitigate an emboli in a LIVE patient, which could ultimately mean that said patient gets to go home instead of dying in some strange land, separated from his family and everyone he loves.

68W's don't go around randomly tossing Woundstat on paper cuts, people. If direct pressure doesn't work or you can't use a torniquet, if the vessel is too damaged for you to clamp it without doing MORE damage than good, if your patient is pissing blood at an alarming rate and your evac is still a few minutes out and you fear that they will expire before you can get them out of the situation because they are bleeding to death....THAT is when you use Woundstat. You inform the receiving facility of your treatment in the field so they can be aware of potential problems (such as emboli) and you get your soldiers to relative safety ALIVE any way you can.

Hopefully the Army will realize the potential to save lives with this product far outweighs the risks of side effects and will re-instate it. I know that I'd like to have some in my kit for a last resort scenario.

(Kudos to my 68W mentor who has talked at length with me about the career field and the techniques used in it. They wish to remain anonymous, or else I'd be giving them mad props!)

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Sam The EMT is ill.

Hey y'all...

I've been in touch with Sam the EMT (Medic 61) today and she's hospitalized again, at least until Monday. Her symptoms returned, and she's currently being treated for a rare genetic disorder (it's not a firm diagnosis yet because the tests take a month to get results, but her symptoms -physical and clinical - fit). Her doctors heard hoofbeats and this time it really does look like zebras are approaching...

I'm here to ask you all to have a good thought for her today, or if you're a praying person keep her in your prayers. She's a great medic and a wonderful person, and she's still pretty young to be given a load as heavy as the one she's carrying right now. I'm going to try and do what I can to make that load a little lighter to bear.

Anyone care to join me?

Friday, December 26, 2008

This + That - The Other = Lesson Learned

2 BIG glasses of wine Wednesday night + 5 hours sleep overnight + one cup of black coffee Thursday morning - any food at all until 1300 Thursday = cranky, headachy NinjaMedic.

Junk finger food (very yummy, tho) Thursday afternoon + 2 cokes - the 48 oz of water my body has gotten used to during the day + one cup of black coffee this morning + 3 hours of traipsing around the mall - any sustenance until 1400 = a worn out NinjaMedic

1 supreme burrito + one soft taco + a 32oz coke + a one and a half hour nap this afternoon - my customary banana an hour before I run + a decision to run with Urbaner who pushed me to go further and faster and for longer (thanks, babe. I didn't really mean those names that I called you) = NinjaMedic vomiting in the bushes (x2) and a 'stitch' that wouldn't go away.

The lesson learned = not eating right and failing to hydrate adequately makes for a very difficult run and a miserable NinjaMedic.

I'm never doing that again.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I wish

It's that time of year again. I may not believe in the reason for the season, but I DO believe that the gathering of family and friends and the general air of good will (unless you're WalMart, who stopped a man distributing gift cards he had just purchased at their store to shoppers already in/coming into the store. Yet ANOTHER reason I don't shop at WalMart. Target came through and said they'd trade their gift cards for the WalMart gifts cards and that they guy was welcome in their store any time. Yay for Tarr-jaay!) makes it a very special time of year.

In the spirit of that goodwill, I'd like to wish you all a very happy holiday season. My greatest hope for you is that you each get whatever it is that your heart desires most and if I had the power to make that happen you could bet your asses that tomorrow morning you'd be waking up with some very special things waiting for you. Things that would either need an enormous amount of wrapping paper and tape or would be impossible to wrap at all (how can you wrap a career? A lifetime of love? I don't think you can). Besides, I suck at wrapping gifts. Mine always turn out looking like a couple of spider monkeys wiped their butts with the paper before haphazardly tossing the paper onto the gift and securing it with copious amounts of tape.

Tomorrow we will be up waaaay before it gets light so we can be on the road to Indiana. We will be spending the day with family, which I am looking forward to immensely, eating and drinking and generally being merry and happy.

By the way, you wanna know my favorite part of this holiday? The day after the 25th, when I see kids sporting their new coats and hats and boots, riding their new bikes or scooters and driving their Barbie cars and Jeeps up and down the street. I remember how that feels, and it always makes me smile.

Happy holiday's y'all. I'm going to go to the gym now....

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people where I live are less than intelligent, and it always seems like they're on the roads or in stores at the same time as me. Should some of them be reading this, I have some information for them:

1. WHEN YOU ARE DRIVING ON A TRAFFIC CIRCLE/ROUNDABOUT/WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT, YOU MUST WAIT YOUR TURN TO GET ON THE CIRCLE. TRAFFIC ALREADY ON THE CIRCLE DOES NOT, I REPEAT, DOES NOT STOP TO LET YOUR DUMB FUCK ASSES ON. Doing so only results in my daydreaming about your getting rear-ended and my laughing my ass off before getting out of my vehicle to render assistance to you like any INTELLIGENT NON KNUCKLE DRAGGING DUMB FUCK would.


3. If you are a store manager, please understand that there is an appropriate place to chastise your employees, and that place would be the quiet of an office somewhere - NOT AT HER REGISTER IN FRONT OF A STORE FULL OF CUSTOMERS. Your behaving that way leads me to believe that you are in fact a DUMB TWUNT and daydream in vivid color about how satisfying it would feel, were I unfortunate enough to work for you, to turn around and tell you to shove it up your fucking arse and give you the finger before walking out on you AND your sucky job. I told the little girl you shit all over that if it was any consolation I thought you were a fucking bitch for doing that to her and that she didn't deserve it.

4. A red light is a red light is a red light, people. It doesn't mean 'go' - unless it's blinking, and even then you have to stop and yield to other traffic first. If I have a green light, it means that I get to go and you DO NOT. Pulling out in front of me and then rolling down your window to cuss at me when I AM CLEARLY THE ONE IN THE RIGHT is just not apropos and results in my daydreaming about cutting you off so you have to come to a stop, getting out of my car, sauntering over to your driver side window and telling you in a very low and quiet voice (you know I'm beyond pissed when I DON'T yell) that you were wrong..oh so wrong....and that you should really NOT cuss people out until you're certain they're not ninjas like myself. I'd watch your eyes grow wide at the shock of being confronted by a bona fide Ninja, wondering if i was going to fuck you up totally or just hurt you some.....and then I'd bid you a good day, sir, walk back to my car and go home, feeling incredibly satisfied and very happy.

I really wish that my daydreams were real sometimes.

Hey Lottie Dottie...


That was the first cadence I ran to this morning. Yes, I repeat them. Quietly, but I still repeat them.

Today isn't quite as cold as yesterday, but it's windy and there's a freezing rain falling, making running and walking outside inadvisable and downright treacherous. I about busted my ass coming out of the gym and despite my having the truck in 4 wheel drive and keeping my speed under 10 mph I still slid into the kerb turning onto our street.

So, I went to the gym (we have two full gyms on base and a mini gym with a pool right up the street from me) and ran on the treadmill. I was right in my assumption that running inside in the warm would be easier; it was. Today I covered a mile and just about a half in 20 mins and I managed to jog for 2 and 3 minutes at a time and then walk for a minute or two. So, I jogged for more than half of that distance. I felt like I could go further, but according to my beginning running program, I'm not supposed to. 'Go slower than you think you should, run a shorter distance than you think you can, and if you're finding it too hard repeat weeks'. Words to live by...for now, anyway.

I was getting some funny looks from the guy on the treadmill next to me when I was repeating the cadence, so I held up my iPod and said "cadence. It helps". He smiled and nodded, and seeing as he was active duty Air Force I'm pretty sure he understood. He ran to the same thing when he was in basic training and tech school.

I'm learning that eating frequently and well helps - I'm trying to do the 50-25-25 thing: 50% of my daily intake from carbs, 25% from protein and 25% from fats . Today I had a glass of OJ and some black coffee when I got up at 6, and a banana an hour before I went to the gym. As I write this I'm eating 2 boiled eggs and a slice of toast made with 7 grain bread. I filled up my 16oz water bottle this morning and drank half of it on the treadmill...and I'll finish the other half with breakfast. I find that being even slightly dry makes me tachycardic, so I'm trying to be well (but not over) hydrated.

On a non-running/eating note: I watched 'Stepbrothers' yesterday and laughed my motherfucking ass off. It's hilarious. I had thought that Will Ferrell was over-cast of late, but him and John C. Reilly together are just fantastic. They play off each other, and it's funny as hell - the sleepwalking scenes cracked me up, and there's a part at the beginning where Ferrell calls his new stepbrother a "fat curly-headed FUCK!" which for some reason tickles me no end.

Ok, breakfast is over. Time to go shower, and then I have laundry and knitting to do. I'm making my brother in law a hat and scarf combo for christmas, and I've still got half the scarf left to do. I can knock it out in an afternoon so I know it'll be ready, but I'd really prefer NOT to have to be knitting like a maniac tomorrow because I slacked off today.

Be safe, y'all, and stay warm.


Monday, December 22, 2008


It is, according to, 6 degrees (but feels like -5 degrees) in my location right now.

That's pretty cold.

I know it's pretty cold not just because weather dot com tells me it is, but also because I was just outside for half an hour, jogging and walking.

I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I went a little over a mile and I jogged about a third of it. I say I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but I'm also trying to start really slow so I don't get hurt. That's my biggest fear, that I'll get hurt and won't be able to go to basic. So, whilst I'm disappointed in myself because I didn't do more, I'm also okay with what I did this morning. I have some Army and Air Force cadence on my iPod ("Momma and Poppa were LYING IN BED!!!") and Epi is right, they really help with pacing and breathing. I managed to run for an entire one, which surprised me.

I got my heart rate up into the 140's and I kept it there the whole time. I'm pleased with that. I haven't done any exercise since September, so I'm really out of you can tell. As I can tell.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my 5 min warm up walking to the gym, and then I'm going to run to cadence on the treadmill. I'm thinking that perhaps jogging in a warmer environment might be condusive to being able to go further. There's a pool there too, so if I can find my Tyr two-piece I'm going to go to do some cool down and stretching in the water after I'm done running.

I'm on a 5 day a week schedule for 9 weeks. By the end of the 9 weeks I'm supposed to be able to run 3 miles in under 30 mins. Right now that seems like a pretty tall hill to climb...but I think that if I can do that comfortably, the runs in basic training won't be as bad.

By the way, the art of blowing a snot rocket is greatly underestimated. Force, trajectory, ambient temperature and breathing patterns all have to be taken into consideration in order for said rocket to be successful. If you miscalculate just a single one of the factors, you end up with a mess on your scarf, shirt, sleeve or even pant leg. I found that out the hard way today.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Solen from Epi who stole it from Chapati, who....

He's home, btw. We both woke up at 4am and decided to go downstairs and fire up some Kitamu. He's reading Cormac McCarthy's 'The Road' (which I'm terribly impressed with, btw) and I'm blogging. Life is good!

1. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Umm, yeah. It has to do with light refracting through the water molecules in the air, so....

2. If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
That I make it through basic and AIT and get deployed into a combat zone with my platoon so I can do my job.

3. Do you believe in eternity love?
I believe in love that lasts a lifetime, but you have to work at it. It's not a matter of just skating through.

4. What feeling do you love most?
Accomplishment, particularly if I've stepped totally out of my comfort zone to achieve something.
5. What feeling do you hate the most?
The way I feel after Urbaner and I have argued or bickered. I hate it.

6. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?

7. Do you believe in God?
No. Unequivocally NO.

8. Who cares for you most?
Urbaner. My my 'ling, my mum.

9. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
None of the material possessions that surround me are important to me.

10. What emotion do you like to show?
Happiness. Closely followed by resolve.

11. If you have something troubling you, what do you do?
I think about it. I try to look at it from every angle and work out a semi-plan of how to deal with each outcome I can envision. I hate not being prepared for stuff.

12. Who do you admire most?
Many people, for many reasons.

13. Who did you last chat with in a chat room?
I haven't talked in a chat room for years. However, the last person I IM'd is the same person I stole this meme from....

14. What kind of person do you think the one we stole this meme from is?
I think that she's a wonderful person, a fantastic mom, a great EMT and friend; that she's smart, gorgeous and that she doesn't give herself enough credit for stuff.

15. What color did you use to dye your hair?
Red. It looked great for a wekk, then it faded.

16. Why are you doing this meme
It's 0532 on a Saturday. That should speak volumes.

17. What do you do when you’re moody?
Withdraw. Nobody needs to experience that. I also exercise and listen to headbanging, shitckicking angry music.

18. At which age do you wish to or did you, get married?
I was 24 when I married Urbaner.

19. If today is the last day of your life, what will you do?
Spend it with Urbaner and the 'lings. And Noodle and Grace, of course. The details are irrelevant, I'd just want to be with them.

20. Who is the person you trust the most?
My husband.

21. Last time you smiled?
30 seconds ago when he told me he loved me.

22. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my fingers of the keyboard.

23. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
Che Guevara. Tres strange, no?

24. Are you talking to someone while doing this?

25. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed? Closed would mean I'd stumble into stuff and get hurt.

26. Is there a quote you live by?
Yes, the poem by W.E. Henley, 'Invictus'. The last two lines of the final stanza are great: 'I am the Master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul'.

27. Do you want someone you cannot have?

28. Who always makes you laugh?
My bud Toni. Funny as hell. Urbaner too.

29. What was the worst idea you’ve had this week?
Umm....feeding the dogs raw meat that I trimmed off a pot roast. The fallout from that isn't nice. At all. Like Scalpel-man made me throw up with his 'lost tampon' story, and the gas from the dogs did too.

30. Do you speak another language other than English?
French, a few words of German, and some American Sign Language.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Caylee...I'm so sorry.

The skeletal remains found in Florida have been positively identified as those of Caylee Anthony.

I am not privy to the details, but I am certain that the right person is being held in jail at the moment, charged with her murder.

No child should die like that. No child should die at the hands of their parent, the person who was supposed to love and cherish them more than anything in the entire world.

No child deserves that betrayal.

It's too late for Caylee, but I hope that her death can serve as a reminder to those of us left behind, especially those of us who are mandatory reporters. If you suspect abuse or neglect, please please please report it. Speak up. Do your duty.

Don't let it be too late for another child.

NinjaMedic, Sixty-Eight Whiskey.

I took the mock ASVAB and scored high.

My chosen career field is open and I can get the MOS I want.

I have to lose 10lbs between now and whenever I enlist and get a letter from my ortho surg, clearing me to go to basic training.

I can, in other words, achieve the goal I've set for myself.

I am SO stoked, y'all.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sixty-Eight Whiskey

I'm meeting the Army recruiter at 9am tomorrow.

No, I'm not enlisting then....I want a month or two to rehab my shoulder and get my physical activity up to par first. It's been a bitch of a surgery to recover from, and I'm not about to fuck it up for anyone....not even Uncle Sam.

The title of the blog is the MOS of the career field I want to go into. 68W. Period.

If I can't get into 68W, I'm not doing it.

If they pressure me into enlisting sooner than I'm confortable with, I'm walking out.

If they stick me with a civilian recruiter with NO prior service history, I'm either talking to someone else, or I'm leaving.

I am NOT desperate. I'm well qualified and can get a civilian job...I don't HAVE to join the Army. I WANT to, but I don't HAVE to. If I don't like the terms - actually, if I can't handle the terms 'cause I'm sure I'm not going to like ALL of them - I'm not doing it.

NinjaMedic, Sixty Eight Whiskey.

That's my goal.

I wear a lot of hats.....

Seriously. I wear a LOT of hats:

And I really love my iPod, too!

Morality and religion don't have to go hand in hand.

I touched on my personal belief system in an article yesterday. Today I want to clarify some things...

I am not a Christian. I used to be, but not anymore. I used to teach Sunday School...actually, it was whilst teaching a class that I had an epiphany that changed me.

I was teaching little kids the story of Christ calming the storm. I was at the point where Christ held his arms out and commanded the waves and weather to be still and I suddenly had a overwhelming sense of hypocrisy that made me lose track of what I was doing and stunned me into silence. I'd doubted my beliefs and things biblical for a while, but instead of exploring them I decided to throw myself even further into the church to try and shut them out.

"what the fuck are you doing here? Why are you telling these kids to believe something that you yourself don't? How can you be so hypocritical?" I said to myself.

That was the last time I stepped foot in a church as an active participant.

The decision to reject religion - more specifically, Christianity - was a difficult one. I'd been raised as an Anglican, I've been baptised and confirmed and married in the church (the first time. Urbaner and I were married by a JP) and it was a permanent feature in my childhood and early adult life. Turning my back on it, rejecting it...that was rough. However, I knew what I felt and what I thought and what I'd found out for myself to be true, and I felt like I had to go with it.

The number of people who turned their backs on me and mine was surprising. Apparently, it's a common misconception among religious people that atheists have NO morals or ethics whatsoever. We're heathens, infidels, unscrupulous individuals who lie, steal, cheat and are generally hateful folks.

That's just not true. If anything, I have a stronger sense of ethics that some Christians I know. I don't need a celestial 24 hour surveillance system to ensure I'm doing the right thing, I do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and for no other reason. I've tried really hard to show people who don't know any better that you don't HAVE to be a christian to have morals, that you don't need live your life according to scripture in order to know right from wrong.

I don't steal. I try not to lie (I'm not going to say that I don't, because occasionally I do - see how I'm telling the truth here? Ooh, and I don't even need a book to tell me it's the right thing to do!), I don't cheat on ANYthing or ANYone, and I don't truly, honestly hate anyone. I don't care for certain people, but hate? Not even close.

I have experienced hatred on a regular basis, though. I have been told numerous times that I am a sinner and that I and my offspring are all going to hell for eternity (how I can go somewhere that I don't believe exists, I do not know), that I'm a terrible horrible person because I don't go to church on Sundays or read the bible (I actually have read the whole thing and can quote scripture verbatim if necessary). People who were once friendly with me and mine have withdrawn from us, refusing to answer my calls or even let their children play with mine. It's as if we have some disease that people are afraid of catching. I've been prayed over in public: I was in a bookstore looking at 'The Portable Atheist', which happened to be in the 'Religion' section, right down from the myriad of christian books. Some lady saw me reading this book, came over, put her hand on my head and began to pray over me, calling out to her god that I was a sinner and pleeeze lawd, pleeze save this lost soul. I moved away, she followed. I told her if she didn't get her hand off me I'd file an assault complaint. She looked at me and said 'that's fine. I'm happy to go to jail for what I believe' to which I replied 'so am I, so get your fucking hand off me before I break your fucking arm'. Apparently I looked like I meant it and she removed her arm and I walked away - and I bought that book.

I don't talk about my beliefs in depth very often. I don't feel like I need to. I also don't go around telling other people that their personal beliefs are wrong. I don't like it when people do it to me, ergo I don't do it to others (there's that morality that I supposedly don't have at work again).

I have raised my children to be open minded. At the moment, I have one Buddhist/Taoist, one atheist, and one who is finding Catholicism very interesting. I'm happy for them to take whatever path they choose and I respect their beliefs. I've made a point of reading and learning about other people's faiths so I can try to understand where they're coming from. I think it's the least I can do.

I wish other people felt the same way about my beliefs.

So, for the record: I am NOT a christian.

I am an atheist.

I an an infidel who would rather slit her own throat than bow to Allah or any other so-called 'god' if it came right down to it.

I don't believe in a virgin birth, a messiah, a deity, in life after death, in a corporeal resurrection or that the bible is a divine piece of work.

I don't believe in heaven.

I don't believe in hell.

I don't celebrate Christmas, but I'm ok with people that do.

I don't pray, but if you do I'm cool with that too.

I am not afraid to stand up for my beliefs if I need to. I'm also not afraid to live and let live.

I may not agree with what you think, say, or how you live your life, but I respect and will defend your right to do any and all of those things.

I am not afraid of dying. I nearly did it once myself already and I've helped many people in their last moments. It's not scary to me anymore.

I am an atheist.

A happy one.

(And maybe a Pastafarian, too. I have been touched by His Noodly Appendage...ask me if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The sounds of my youth.

I just downloaded Common's 'Universal Mind Control' and I am lovin' it. You can certainly hear the Afrikaa Bambaataa influence in it. In fact, it inspired me to go download 'Planet Rock' too.

I grew up with the early days of hip hop...Run DMC, Afrikaa Bambaataa, Melle Mel, The Furious Five, Grandmaster Flash, The Beastie Boys, Salt-N-Pepa, LL Cool J. These are the sounds of my youth, and I'm really enjoying reminiscing about where I was and what I was doing when I heard those songs for the first time.

Ah, memories...

Adolf, Aryan and Honszlynn. WTF?

The little cutie in between the neck-tatted white-trash retards in the above photo is Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Little Adolf had a birthday recently, and his knuckle-dragging genetic donors (sorry, I'm not going to call them parents) went to a grocery store and asked for a cake with 'Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler Campbell' on it. The store refused, saying that it had Jewish employees and that to do so would be not only disrespectful but downright painful for them. Little Adolf's parents went to WalMart, and then to the media with their bullshit story of discrimination.
*sigh* I don't even know where to begin with this one, so bear with me. I'll try and be somewhat organized, but if my ideas seem fractured, I'm sorry.
1. Who the fuck gets their ENTIRE name iced onto a birthday cake - or any other kind of cake, for that matter? I've got 40 years on this earth and I have never, ever had my whole first, middle and last names inscribed on a bakery good. Furthermore, I've never attended a single birthday party where the guest of honor had their whole name on their cake, either. This fact leads me to believe that Adolf's genetic donors are in fact nothing more than publicity whores. And stupid. Oh so fucking stupid. So stupid that I wonder how they managed to reproduce.
2. Speaking of reproduction, Adolf has siblings. I know, I know, I worry for humanity too. The siblings names are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Hoszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. This tells me that Adolph's male genetic donor's excuse of "we wanted to give him a name that nobody else in the world would have" is, again, bullshit. They could have called him Tap Water. Or Bed Pan. Even TV Remote. I'll betcha there aren't any other kids in the world with those names. Once again, the genetic donors actions in giving their children those names leads me to believe that they are publicity whores. Stupid ones, to boot.
3. If you are going to give your children such controversial names, names that make your racial affiliation and personal feelings about people of other colors and faiths than yourself very clear, then at least be prepared to stand by your personal convictions when the media that you court finally comes-a-callin'. For example: I'm not a Christian, I'm a happy Atheist. If I called children I birthed 'Jesus Is Dead' and 'God Is A Lie' NinjaMedic, you can bet your arse I'd be telling people the truth about why I chose those names and making sure people knew about my spiritual philosophy (and the lack thereof). I sure as fuck wouldn't use " I wanted to give them an unusual name" as my explanation. It's kind of a moot point because a) I already named my babies, b) I'm not a knuckle-dragging-neck-tatted-white-trash genetic donor; I am a PARENT and c) I actually WANT my kids to succeed and wouldn't ever had saddled them with such names (shut up, Urbaner. 'Nirvana' is a very suitable name for a little girl. I just liked 'Shea' better).
So, once again, I have to come to the conclusion that Adolf's genetic donors are whoring their kids out to gain publicity, Z list celebrity status and probably in the hope that their children will be getting gifts from benevolent strangers this holiday season. And free drinks for them in the local bars, of course. Can't forget that. I'm quite sure they're not doing it for purely altruistic reasons or because they're trying to do the right thing by their offspring.
The longer I'm alive the more certain I become that there should be some kind of licensing process in place for people who want to have kids. It seems to me a cruel twist of fate that people who really WANT kids and are able to care for them properly can't have them, but people who DON'T really want kids seems to be perpetually pushing them out, then neglecting them.
I'm seriously thinking about setting up a fund for little Adolf and his siblings so that when they grow up and move away from their knuckle-dragging-neck-tatted-waste-of-space-piss-me-off-cuz-they're-breathing-the-same-air-as-me genetic donors they'll be able to change their names to something of their own choosing.
Anyone wanna donate?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mission Accomplished

Well, almost; he's not home yet.

The part of the mission that saw him and the team he's on at their most vulnerable is over. Everyone is safe and it went as well as it could.

I can breathe now.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Do you even find that some patients stick out in your memory more than others? I do.

I was reading the local paper today when I saw a name I recognized. He was a man I'd cared for when I worked at a local nursing home. He died last week....he was only 50.

He'd had a stroke in his early 40's. Because he was so young, he didn't even consider the possibility of a cerebro-vascular accident as being the cause for his symptoms, so he ignored them.

He ended up incontinent, unable to walk or speak or communicate in any way...unable to feed himself, wash himself. Unable to do pretty much everything we able-bodied people take for granted. When I was assigned to him he was on a liquefied diet and those of us caring for him had to be careful about how we fed him because he had a history of aspirating his food and getting pneumonia. He was incredibly, painfully thin. I used to joke with him when I was cleaning him up and changing his underwear about how I had to be careful not to cut myself on his ileac crest. He couldn't ever answer me, of course. All he could do was stare at me with his blue eyes.

That's what I remember most about him - his eyes. He was the patient who taught me that a persons eyes really are windows - not necessarily to their soul, but to themselves. I could tell by looking into his eyes what kind of a day he was having and what kind of a mood he was in. He may not have been able to grimace or smile or verbalize his emotions, but one look into his eyes and I knew instinctively what he needed...and did my best to provide it for him. I used to take him outside to sit in the sunshine when the weather was nice, and when it wasn't so nice I'd spend my breaks sitting next to his window with him, talking about what was going on in the world. Some of the other nurses and CNA's used to make fun of me for talking to him all the time, asking me whether he'd answered me yet. I never let them know it, but their attitudes hurt me - I felt like they were making fun of me, and sometimes they were. I didn't let it stop me, though. He and I kept right on communicating.

He died last week. I'm not a christian and I don't believe in an afterlife, so I can't say that he's free now, free of a body that had confined him for years. I CAN say that there has been a cessation of suffering and pain for him, and I'm happy about that. I'm also sad that he's gone and that I won't ever be able to look into those blue eyes again and talk about how the first snowfall of the year caught everyone off guard or watch squirrels stash acorns ready for the winter. My sadness is a selfish emotion, and I know instead of mourning him, I'll celebrate his life and be happy his pain has ended.

I will miss you, Quackers. Thank you for teaching me that words are sometimes optional.

Warning: this is probably too much information.

Dr Crippen at has a post about people inspecting their poo and how toilets in Germany are designed with an 'inspection shelf' so that people can take a look at their poo before they flush it. One of the links he has in the article goes to a discussion forum ( which starts with the difference between British, American and German toilets and goes downhill pretty quickly, ending up as a debate about whether it's better to wipe your bum standing as opposed to remaining seated on the throne.

The issue is so bizarre, so unusual...that I simply can't leave it alone. So, gentle readers, I'm writing an article that I never thought I'd write. An article about poo, toilets, and butt wiping in general. If you have a delicate constitution, you may want to exit now, because it's only going to get shittier (bwahahaha! I crack myself up sometimes!) as the article progresses.

Let me begin with the original question: do you look at your poo? My answer is yes, I DO look at my poo. I don't dig around in the bowl or put my face a couple of inches away from the turds, but I do glance at it...mainly to make sure there's nothing nefarious in there. I had a gastric bleed once, many many years ago. Had I not become accustomed to taking a rudimentary glance at my work, so to speak, I'd never have seen it's alarming black color and wouldn't have known that I was bleeding somewhere in my gut. I can also judge how well my gut is working and how long it takes me to digest food...some foods don't get digested well and come out looking remarkably similar to the way they went it. I know when I ate (corn is a good example), so looking in the bowl and seeing kernels tells me how long it's taken that food to get through my digestive tract. Taking a quick glance at your poo before you flush it is a good thing, I think. It can alert you to many potential health problems.

Next: toilet designs. Having lived in England for half my life and having been fortunate enough to spend time in both France and Germany, I have some experience with different toilet designs AND flushing systems. English loos have a lot less water in them than American loos do, and they flush differently. In the US, all the water drains out of the loo when the matter is flushed. In England, the water rises dramatically and then goes back to it's original level, but at no time does all the water drain out of the bowl.
German toilets have a waterless shelf in the bowl - the inspection shelf. I believe that causes more of an odor in the bathroom; poo that's under water doesn't smell nearly as bad as poo that's exposed to the air. From what I recall, German loos flush much the same way as English ones.
French toilets are very similar to English ones - the ones in homes do, anyway. Public loos in France are basically holes in the tiled floor with a couple of heel rests located a short distance away. The first time we went to France on vacation I was 8. I acquired the nickname 'Camel' on that trip; my mother took me into a public loo when we were at Nice for the day. Apparently I was complaining that I really had to pee before we went in there, but once I saw the holes in the floor I decided I didn't need to go anymore - and I held it for the rest of the day. Toilets in restaurants and cafes in France tend to be unisex - and when you're a shy 8 year old English girl, unisex loos are just as bad as holes in the floor. So, I went all day without peeing. God knows what would have happened had I needed to go number 2.

Now onto wiping: the concept of standing up to wipe is a totally alien and very strange one to me. I've always remained seated to wipe. If, for instance, you had residual poo on your ringpiece (English slang for butt hole), wouldn't standing up cause your butt cheeks to come together, thereby smushing the poo and generally making more of a mess? It would seem to me that it would. So, I remain seated...and yes, I look at the paper after I've wiped. I also use flushable moist wipes; paper alone doesn't leave me feeling clean enough, if you know what I mean. There are many, many different kinds of toilet paper available, but I prefer Charmin Basic: it's strong and it doesn't leave lint like Cottonelle does. I made the mistake of buying toilet paper with some kind of lotion in it once and felt like I had a greasy ass crack all day long. It was gross. I do miss colored paper, though. In England, you can get peach or pink or green or blue colored loo rolls, but here in the US you can only get white. Why is that?

I also don't understand people who only give themselves one perfunctory wipe and then pull their pants up regardless of whether they're clean or not. First of all, they HAVE to be leaving skid marks in their undies (which are difficult to get out - I know from having small boys who were too interested in playing with their friends to make sure their wee little bums were properly cleaned); secondly, it can't be comfortable to walk around with poo clinging to your sphincter (doesn't it itch and make your crack sore? Babies who don't get their bottoms cleaned properly end up with a diaper rash, so there has to be a similar consequence for adults) and lastly there has to be an odor involved, which could be potentially embarrassing. Our mothers told us to make sure we were wearing clean drawers before we went out for a reason - and having responded to trauma calls as an EMT, I know that we medics notice things like dirty underwear and stinky bottoms/bodies. People like to think that we don't, but we do. I do, anyway, and so do most of the medics I've worked with. In fact, one of the medics who helped teach my EMT class had what he called a 'Hall Of Shame' - a list of people (not names, HIPAA and all that jazz forbids names) who were the dirtiest, stinkiest, nastiest patients he'd ever dealt with. Bear in mind that there's a big difference between being incontinent because of an injury you've received and having shit-stained underwear that you haven't changed for days and a body that hasn't seen soap and water for weeks if not months. Personally, I can't leave the bathroom until I'm sure I'm clean down there, so I really don't understand how folks can walk around with dirty assholes and stinky nether regions and be okay with that.

Ok, enough of the toilet tales. I've probably given most of you too much information already and it's time to find a different subject. I do have one more question, though, and if any of you have an answer please leave me a comment and enlighten me:

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their butts?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The best and the worst

Just because I can:

NinjaMedic's most hated commercials:

1. Shamwow. That guy Vince is a total tosser (Brit-speak for jackass/loser) and he gets on my last fucking nerve. That line about "you know the Germans always make good stuff" makes me want to throw things at the TV. Gah. I'm getting aggrivated just thinking about it.

2. Anything with Billy Mays in it. Why that man needs to YELL EVERY WORD is a mystery to me. Plus, that hair and beard are clearly the result of Grecian 2000

3. Cash 4, more specifically the one with the butt-ugly Jewish woman with the whiny voice and NY accent who speaks like she's got an IQ of 13.5 and says "I had no ideeear my old gold jewull-urry was worth so much money". I had no idea SHE was SO annoying - until I'd seen the commercials a few times. Now I'm very aware of just how aggrivating she is.

4. HeadOn. Or ActiveOn. Or PreferOn. Or ScarOn. Or whatever-else-the-fuck-on. They're all annoying.

5. The toothpaste commercial where the girl brushes her teeth before bed, goes to sleep, gets up the next morning and then rubs her finger over her front incisor to show that it's still squeaky clean. That sound makes me feel funny, and not in a good way. I've taken to sticking my fingers in my ears and saying "LALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAA" whenever it comes on just so I won't hear that squeaking.

NinjaMedic's most LOVED commercials:

1. Any of the Sonic commercials with the people in their cars. Hilarious.

2. "F to the R to the E to the E to the C to the R to the e-d-i-t, Ree to the Port to the dot to the com"....closely followed by "now my legs are sticking to the vinyl and my posse's getting laughed at' one".

3. Boost Mobile with George Washington. He busts out an LL Cool J rhyme at the end in this very proper early American/semi English accent and says "don't all it a comeback; I've been here for years...". That makes me laugh every time I see it.

4. e-Trade with the vomiting baby who totally underestimated the creepy factor of the clown he and his boys hired. More hilarity.

What about you? What are your most loved/hated commercials?

Jeff Conaway: faker, loser, putz.

I've watched every episode of VH1's Celebrity Rehab this season. For some reason, I'm finding it strangely addictive and I have to say that, with the exception of one of the participants, I'm feeling genuinely sorry for the celebs. Some of them have been exploited (Amber), some of them are genuinely nice folks who never asked for the notoriety they've gained (Rodney King) and some just had horrible accidents (Gary Busey).

One of them, however, is a total loser who is so manipulative and such a fucking diva I have been unable to find one redeeming quality in them.

Jeff Conaway. The guy who played Kenickie in 'Grease' and who had a part in the TV show 'Taxi'.

He seems to think that he is a whole lot more important than he actually is. He's a has-been, an aging actor who was moderately successful many years ago but who hasn't really done much of anything since. A few straight to DVD B-movies, a stint on Celebrity Fit Club (where he proved himself to be a self-important prick - anyone recall the shoe throwing episode where he told the panel that they were nothing compared to him?) and another stint on Celebrity Rehab part I. That's pretty much all he's known for. But according to him, he's a big-shot, a movie star, an a-lister. Uh huh. And I'm a 6' tall supermodel.

Jeff Conaway got hurt a few years ago. He hurt his back and has since has "four or five surgeries", leaving him unable to stand upright, confined to a wheelchair at times and when he CAN walk he staggers about, leaning heavily on a cane. He wears an antiquated back brace and does not waste any opportunity to let people know how much pain he's in and how he's a cripple. He claims his girlfriend kicked him in the back after his most recent surgery and her actions were SO detrimental to his health that he needs more surgeries.

His neurologists, however, disagree. They don't think there are any more procedures they can perform that will alleviate the pain he claims he's having and the general insinuation is that Mr Conaway is at the very least greatlyexaggerating the amount of pain he's in, if not outright faking it.

I agree. I've had the same injury that Jeff claims to have had, you see. I've had two surgeries to stabilize my spine and repair some of the damage done. I know how it is to have lumbar pain and sciatic neuropathy. So does my friend Epi. We both know that when you have sciatic and lower back pain, crossing your legs when you're sitting in a chair is excruciating, and kicking someone when you're laying in a prone position on a bed is near impossible. Poor Epi couldn't even roll herself over in bed at one point because she was hurting so bad, and I've found myself unable to get into the shower more times than I care to recall because I couldn't lift my leg high enough to step over the edge of the tub.

Apparently Jeff Conaway didn't get that particular memo. Throughout this second season of Celebrity Rehab I have seen him cross his legs numerous times without even flinching. He does it without seeming to even think about it. He also manages to kick his girlfriend in the chest so hard that she's sent flying about 3' across the room....he's laying on a bed, she's standing over him, and he bends his knee, brings it clear up to his chest, then plants his foot in her chest and shoves. How in the hell he manages to do that I have no idea..... when my back was at it's worst I'd never have been able to even contemplate doing such a thing. It would have been impossible.

Actually, I DO have an idea of how he manages to do that. It's because he's faking. Yes, there may have been something wrong with his back at one point in his life, but right now I don't think it's nearly as bad as he's claiming it to be. I think that he SAYS it's bad so that he can keep his source of opiate pain medication. I also think that's why he wants more surgeries, despite people far more knowledgeable than him telling him that it's futile to perform any further surgical interventions. He's an addict, obviously, but I think that he truly believes himself superior to the other participants on the show because he has a 'legitimate' reason to take narcotics,

I also think that there's more than a little attention seeking going on. As long as he's crippled, he has a way to manipulate people. As long as he's injured, he can behave badly and justify his actions because he's in 'pain'.

He also has a habit of calling 911 when he doesn't get his way, both at the rehab facility AND at home. He wanted to leave, was told he could walk out any time he wanted, then insisted the staff pack his bags for him. When he was told in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't be happening, he called 911 and said he was being held against his will. Whenever he has a fight with his girlfriend and she won't do what he wants her to do, he calls 911. He claims that she hits him, and that's why he calls - which is yet another angle on the 'poor, pitiful me' game he likes to play.

Everything is always someone elses fault. Everyone is out to get him. He doesn't ever instigate any of these crises he finds himself in; he's always the victim, whether it be a victim of circumstance or a victim of another person. Poor Jeff. Poor, poor pitiful a wheelchair, can't walk, in constant pain and denied the medications he so desperately and obviously needs. Poor Jeff, saddled with a horrible bitch for a girlfriend who doesn't understand him or his condition. Poor Jeff, made to pack (and subsequently UN pack) his own belongings, even though he's clearly a very ill and injured man.

Puhleeze. Give me a fucking break. The only thing Jeff Conaway is a victim of is his own exaggerated sense of self-importance. He drives me nuts with his 'I'm SO ill, puhleeeeze help me, nobody understand what it's like to be me' routine, and I'm not the only one. Even his fellow patients on the show are getting sick of it and have taken to predicting when he will call 911.

I don't know if Jeff ever Googles himself, but I imagine that with an ego the size of Alaska he probably looks for articles about himself pretty regularly. If that's the case, I truly hope he reads this. In case he does, I have this to say:

Mr Conaway, you're a putz. Get over yourself.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Sumfin wrong wif mai hoomin

Hullo intarwebz, it is me, Noods. I havent had time to wriet much cuz I has been busy wif mai chineese projeck in mai yard. Mai Momma sed that she finks I am trieing to dig to china. I dunno whut that is, but I fink it sounds nice. Sumtiems mai hoomins go in teh car and when they come back they gots this stuff that smells reel good and they call in chineeze fud. If chineeze fud comes frum china I fink that Id liek it there reel well.

I have sum noos for you, intarwebz. There is sumfin rong wif one of mai hoomins, the girl named Shea. Her and mai Momma went out in the truck this morning and when they camed home mai Momma was carrying the Shea cuz her feets wouldnt work rite. She had stuff on her shirt and she smelled like I do when I get into the trash can and eat fings that make my tummy feel not very gud. Mai Momma maded her taek her clothes off and put her jamas on and sed fings liek 'lay down on teh couch so I can keep my eye on you'...but I didnt see her put her eye on teh Shea, so I doan no why she sed it. Anyway. Teh Shea did whut mai Momma toled her to do, and then she felled sleep. She is STILL sleep, teh intarwebz. Mai sister Grace and me are wurried about teh Shea, so we take turns laying down wif hur so we can maek sure she is okay. Grace has gived her kisses on her face and so have I becuz we fink it maeks her feel better. I no mai Momma alwayz smiles when we give her kisses when she has water coming from her eyes, so Grace and me fink that is a gud thing we are doing for teh Shea. I doan no whut is wrong wif teh Shea, though. I shoor hope she is ok and wakes up soon. I doan like it when mai hoomins are liek this, it makes me wurry.

Dis is a pikchure of me laying down wif mai Shea on our couch:

You can see teh Shea's hair just coming out frum under her blankie, but thas all you can see of her. Mai Momma sed me and mai sister Grace did a reel gud job of taeking care of teh Shea.

That is Grace looking after teh Shea. She gots to sit at the end of the couch becuz mai Momma sed her arse is too big to be sitting on peoples laps and that she wud skwish teh Shea if she sat on her.
I has to go nao, teh intarwebz. It luks pretty comfy on the couch wif teh Shea and mai sister, so I fink Im gunno go lay down and go sleep wif dem. If you can, plz have a naise fought for mai Shea today, cuz hers duznt feel reel gud. Fank you, teh intarwebz!

FTS is stoned.

FTS got a migraine that she can't get rid of, so she had to go to the doc this morning.

50mgs of Demerol, 25mgs of Phenergan and half an hour later she threw up all over herself and the interior of my truck. Half an hour after that she's laying on the couch (where I can keep a eye on her 'cause she's never had narcotics for a migraine before) with a silly grin on her face, slurring something about feeling weird and falling asleep mid-sentence.

She's getting a head CT done early next week and has a follow up for next Friday. This is the third migraine in a month, so the doc and I think that a prophylactic medication is in order.

Poor kid. I had hoped the migraine curse wouldn't affect her.....

Thursday, December 4, 2008

100 things

Borrowed from Epi, who borrowed it from Breda. Feel free to borrow it from me, so I can be nosey and see what you wrote!

1. Started your own blog. Yes, I have. I started blogging on Valentine's Day '04 and have had a blog ever since. It's therapeutic, and I've made some really good friends via blogs.

2. Slept under the stars. I slept in a tent with the rain fly open so I could see the stars....does that count? :D Prolly not, huh. In that case, no, I never have.

3. Played in a band. Yes. Sang, and played percussion. We didn't have any original songs, and we never got paid...but it was fun nonetheless. That was before I got my tonsils taken out, back when I could actually sing. Nowadays I can't carry a tune to save my life, but I still sing when nobody's home.

4. Visited Hawaii. I wish! One and Urbaner and Epi and her man are going to go off to Hawaii and lay on the beach, eating seafood and pork and drinking exotic drinks out of coconut shells.

5. Watched a meteor shower. No. Seen a shooting star, but no meteor shower.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity. Yeah, I have. Nowadays the only thing I have in abundance is time, which seems to be the LAST thing some charities want. That makes me sad.

7. Been to Disneyland. No, and I'm not sure I want to. Kids are too old now, and I don't do well in crowds.

8. Climbed a mountain. Yes, Mt Snowdon in Wales.

9. Held a praying mantis. Uh huh. And a tarantula, despite my not liking spiders much.

10. Sang a solo. Yes, when drunk.

11. Bungee jumped. Not just NO, but HELL NO, FUCK NO!!! Don't like heights, so I doubt it will ever happen.

12. Visited Paris. Yes.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. Nope.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Yes, charcoal sketching.

15. Adopted a child. No, but I'm adopted myself. So is my little brother.

16. Had food poisoning. Yes, a couple of times...and it sucked both times.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. No, but I've seen it from the bottom.

18. Grown your own vegetables. Every summer. Herbs and flowers too. And fruit. I'm getting Urbaner to build me a 'square foot gardening' box for the patio next spring and I'm going to be growing pretty much all of our vegetables then.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. Not yet, no....but one day.

20. Slept on an overnight train. Yes, Florida to NYC.

21. Had a pillow fight. Yep, and it was fun!

22. Hitch hiked. Yes, when I was younger and very, very stupid.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. Oh no, I've NEVER done anything like that. Ever. Really. (rolls eyes and tries to look innocent).

24. Built a snow fort. Hell yeah...I lived in South Dakota for 9 years and built snow forts every single season. I got to be pretty good at it - if you've never done it, I highly recommend it.

25. Held a lamb. Yes. I grew up in a small Oxfordshire village and was lucky enough to live right down the street from a working farm. I got to see calves and lambs and piglets be born and I also got to bottle feed the lambs who were rejected by their mommas or who were orphaned. I absolutely LOVED it and am very grateful for the experience.

26. Gone skinny dipping. No. Haven't had the opportunity - yet. ;)

27. Run a Marathon. No, but Urbaner has challenged me to run a 5k and then perhaps a half marathon in the next couple of years. The 5k I can do. The half marathon...yeah, not so sure about that.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. I wish.

29. Seen a total eclipse. Partial yes. Not a total.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. I watch the sun rise a few times a week. It's my favorite time of the day.

31. Hit a home run. Nooo. Never.

32. Been on a cruise. No....maybe one day.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. No...but Urbaner and I have a dream of buying a Vanagon when he retires f0rm the AF and driving around America for a few months a year...Niagara is on our list.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Yes. We have a derelict castle that was our ancestral home.

35. Seen an Amish community. Yes, and I loved it. I have a lot of respect for the Amish and Mennonite communities....they walk the walk, you know?

36. Taught yourself a new language. Yes, American Sign Language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. I'm not very materialistic, so as long as the bills are paid, everyone has enough to eat and everyone has what they NEED (not necessarily what they want, but what they NEED), I'm happy. Consequently, I feel like I have enough money to be truly satisfied pretty much every payday.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. No....I'd LOVE to one day, though.

39. Gone rock (wall) climbing. No, for much the same reason I haven't gone bungee jumping.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. No.

41. Sung karaoke. Yes, when drunk.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. No, but Yellowstone is on the 'Vanagon' list.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant. Yes, and one of my proudest moments as a parent was seeing my child buy a total stranger a cup of coffee and a breakfast without being prompted to.

44. Visited Africa. No, but I'd like to....

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Yes.

46. Been transported in an ambulance. Yes, and it was scary.

47. Had your portrait painted drawn. Urbaner and I had our caricatures done in St Louis...does that count?

48. Gone deep sea fishing. Yeah, when I lived in NC I went out for a day. It wasn't as exciting as I had hoped.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. No.....

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. No, but my brother took my mother there for her 65th birthday. He's a good son...

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. No.

52. Kissed in the rain. In the rain, on a train, in a boat but NOT with a goat.....:)

53. Played in the mud. Yes, and it's GREAT fun. If you haven't done it yet, you should try it.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Yes.

55. Been in a movie. Been on TV, but not in a movie.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China. No, and unless I win the lottery it's unlikely that I ever will.

57. Started a business. No. I don't think I'd be good at owning my own business.

58. Taken a martial arts class. Yes, I took Judo classes when I was a teenager.

59. Visited Russia. No, that's another lottery list location as far as I'm concerned.

60. Served at a soup kitchen. Yes. I think everyone should do it at least's a god character building exercise and it makes you appreciate people and life much more. It also changed my attitude towards homeless people.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. No, I was a Girl Guide (English Girl Scouts) and we didn't sell cookies. I organized a few rummage sales instead, though.

62. Gone whale watching. That's another Vanagon list thing. So's seeing Steinbeck and Kerouac country.

63. Got flowers for no reason. No. :(

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. No. I can't; I lived in the UK for too long and the threat of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (Mad Cow Disease) is too great. Urbaner can't, and neither can 2 out of our 3 'lings.

65. Gone sky diving. No. Why the hell would I want to throw myself out of a perfectly good plane? I have flown a plane, though. That was fun.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. I haven't. Lottery list destination.

67. Bounced a check. No. I've come very close - have had less than a nickel in the back after the check had cleared.

68. Flown in a helicopter. Yes.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. No.

71. Eaten Caviar. Yes. It's fish flavored grit, Epi. You're not missing much.

72. Pieced a quilt. Yes, when Numbah Two was in utero I made a quilt for him. I'm not very good at mother in law is the quilter in this family.

73. Stood in Times Square. Yes!

74. Toured the Everglades. No, but I went out on an air boat a little north of there and saw 'gators all over the place.

75. Been fired from a job. Yes, when I was 15 I had a part time job as a cashier in a local grocery store. The manager at the time was a total bitch who wouldn't give us girls breaks at ALL. I got fired after my mum came into the store and found me at my register in tears - I had got my period and had been denied a bathroom break and had bled through my underwear and skirt. Mum found the manager at told her that I WAS going to go to the loo and then home to change my clothes, and the manager said that if I left the store I could consider myself fired. Mum said "well, then you'd best start looking for another cashier" and we left. I've always been grateful to her for doing that.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London. Yes, lots of times. I lived 50 miles away from the city center, so it was a routine thing for us to go to the capital (not capitol, not in England).

77. Broken a bone. Uh huh.

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. Yes, with no sissy bar on the back and I was scared I'd fall off!

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. No. Another Vanagon list destination!

80. Published a book. No, I'm not that talented.

81. Visited the Vatican. No.

82. Bought a brand new car. Yes, this past summer. It's the first brand new car I've ever owned.

83. Walked in Jerusalem. No, and I have no desire to.

84. Had your picture in the newspaper. Yes, a couple of times.

85. Read the entire Bible. Once.

86. Visited the White House. I haven't been inside, but I've stood outside and seen it.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. No. I don't think I could. I watched my dad cull chickens and rabbits and couldn't eat them afterwards.

88. Had chickenpox. Oh yeah. It sucked.

89. Saved someone’s life. Yes. Well, I can't say that *I* saved them, it was a team effort.....but they lived and I know my actions helped them not die.

90. Sat on a jury. No.

91. Met someone famous. Yes, when I was a teenager I met Howard Jones and curtsied for the Queen.

92. Joined a book club. Yes.

93. Lost a loved one. Yes. Most recently my cousin, Scott. Before that it was my dad.

94. Had a baby. Yes, three of them!

95. Seen the Alamo in person. Nope, but it's on the Vanagon list.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. No, and I don't have any desire to.

97. Been involved in a law suit. Nope.

98. Owned a cell phone. Yes; I've had a cell phone since 2000. I don't know what I'd do without it now. I have a BlackJack that I synchronize with my's great.

99. Been stung by a bee. Yes, and I didn't react well to it. I didn't get anaphylactic or anything, but it made me feel quite ill and I broke out in urticaria around the sting site.

100. Read an entire book in one day. Yes; the last book I read in a day was Elie Wiesel's 'Night'. It gave me nightmares about Nazi soldiers with machine guns using infants for target practice for days afterwards.

So long, and thanks for the memories

The time has come for me to say goodbye to you.

In a way, I'm sad...but I'm also very glad. When we started this relationship, I wasn't in my right mind. I was vulnerable and I think you took advantage of that. Had I been more aware I'd have perhaps felt differently.

I found you to be a constant source of aggrivation; you made me feel trapped and ineffective and I really didn't like you. You hung on me every day, clingy and confining and I couldn't get away from you. You were always there, annoying me.

But you grew on me. After a little while I felt like I couldn't function without you. I remember being scared when you weren't around; being apart from you hurt and I didn't like it. You became a source of comfort and security and I actually liked having you around. Your presence made me feel like I could function.

Lately,'ve hurt me. Instead of comforting me you make me feel weak and having you around hurts worse than NOT having you around. I've tried to separate myself from you, but I was afraid to say goodbye to you...until today. I talked to someone who I consider to be very intelligent and whose opinion I respect very much this morning, and I told him that I was tired of you but scared to let you go. He gave me his opinion - he said that it was time for us to part ways, that I didn't need you any more and that you were more of a hinderance to me than a help. He made me see than I AM strong enough to cope without you and that it's time for me to let you go.

So I'm taking his advice and I'm ending our relationship. As of today, you are no longer part of my existence. I don't need you anymore...I'm strong enough now to let you go, and I'm only going to get stronger without you. Yes, it may hurt to be without you to start with, but I'll get used to it. Besides, it's a good pain, a constructive, healing pain.

So goodbye, my sling, and thank you for the memories. The two-handed world is calling me and you just can't be a part of that...but I'll never forget you and the time we shared.

RIP NinjaMedic's sling: 10/23/08 - 12/04/08. Gone, but not forgotten.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Pore spelerz of teh wulrd, untie!

I've been perusing eBay and the classified ads today, and for some reason almost every ad/auction I've looked at appears to have been written by a three year old. Poor spelling is a pet peeve of mine - I'm not talking about the odd mistake here and there, I'm talking about a total butchery of the English language.

Here are some examples (with my commentary and the correct spelling)

For sale: manikan for cloths display (should have been 'mannequin for clothes display'. What is it with people leaving the 'e' out of 'clothes'?!)

Thamasvilel dinning room ('Thomasville dining room'. WTF?!)

Dress with sequenced ('dress with sequins'. This is a REALLY common mistake. Apparently there is an entire segment of the population convinced that a sequence is a flat shiny thing that you sew on cloths...err, I mean clothes)

Heals ('heels'. Are they magical shoes with curative properties? If so, I know of a few people who could use a pair!)

Computor repare for cheap ('Computer repair for cheap'. Yeah. Not gonna be having them work on my PC anytime soon).

New lethar coat only tryed once ('new leather coat, only tried once'. 'Tryed' is a common mistake, but 'lethar'? No excuse for that one)

Cashmeer coat with tautus shell butons ('cashmere coat with tortoiseshell buttons'. 'Tortoiseshell' I can understand and maybe even 'cashmere', but 'buttons'?! WTF?!)

Beautifull fabrick with daisey pattern ('Beautiful fabric with daisy pattern')

Red patern leather heals ('red patent leather heels'. Much like 'sequence', lots of people don't seem to know how to spell 'patent' - as in shiny leather. It's not that difficult!)

Black patient pumps ('black patent pumps' - and they weren't pumps, they were open toe slingbacks. There's a big difference. Again with the 'patent'!)

Jacket with fo-furr trim ('Jacket with faux fur trim'. Fo' sho'!)

Cammel hare cote ('Camel hair coat'. Is it an camel and rabbit-cousin coat? No excuse for that one.)

Navvy blue peecoat ('Navy blue peacoat'. I sure hope that it's not a peecoat, the smell would be horribly difficult to get out.)

Ornamints for tree ('Ornaments for tree')

Handbeaded neckless ('Hand beaded necklace'. Neckless? Is that possible?)

Turkoise saten shirt ('turquoise satin shirt'. I think I see a common thread here; if a word isn't spelt as it's pronounced people get it wrong.)

Tons of used striper cloths and outfits ('tons of used stripper clothes and outfits' Striper? And who in hell wants to buy used stripper clothes! EW EW EW EW EW!!!!!!!)

Swet pants ('sweat pants'. Again with the phonetics.)

Aphabet books for kids ('Alphabet books for kids'. Hmm..perhaps you should hang on to those)

Beeded chockker ('beaded choker'. Gah!)

Girls dance lepardtard ('Girls dance leotard'. Are we talking about retarded felines here?)

Womens swayeded jacket ('women's suede jacket'. Was the jacket unsteady on it's feet, perhaps?)

The saddest thing for me is that these folks put their ads on the 'net like that. It's one thing to actually BE a dumb ass, but quite another to let the whole world THINK that you're one. What happened to us, America? When did it become okay to not know how to spell?

When did this dumbing down start....and more importantly, when and where will it end?

Say what?!?

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a documentary junkie, especially when said documentaries are about people. Nothing fascinates me more than the human condition; I love to learn about how different people think and function. I may end up saying that what someone else thinks or does is FUBAR, stupid, unintelligent or just downright dumb, but I still like to learn about it anyway.

Sunday night was 'fat' night on TLC. There were 3 shows on: 'I'm addicted to food', 'I eat 33,000 calories a day' (you read that right btw. 33 THOUSAND. I didn't add an extra zero in there by mistake) and 'The 750lb man'. I went upstairs (nobody likes to watch the stuff I like to watch, so I sequester myself in the bedroom and watch solo), sunggled down under the quilts and got ready for an entertaining night.

And entertaining it was. The first show, 'I'm addicted to food', was kind of an eye opener. Some of the shots grossed me out, and I think that they were designed to do just that....super morbidly obese people STUFFING food in their mouths, chewing noisily. Ick. I don't like to see/hear people eat at the best of times, but the angles they used was gross. I don't think I'm gonna be able to look at a sausage the same way for quite some time.

There were some interesting people featured on the show, most of whom accepted responsibility for their actions and who proclaimed they had done this to themselves. Regular visitors to my blog and my friends know that I'm a big fan of personal accountability and taking responsibility for the consequences of your own actions....and because I feel that way, a comment that one of the people featured made really pissed me off.

He's a young black man and he weighs close to 800lbs. He said "Sometimes I wonder where it actually went wrong and why god gotta do me like dis".


Excuse me? Did I hear that right?

"sometimes I wonder where it actually went wrong and why god gotta do me like dis"

At the risk of stating the obvious here, I don't believe that god or any other imaginary fairytale character has 'done' him like anything. Unless god/a fairy was holding him down and forcing food down his throat, he did it to himself. As for where 'it actually went wrong', well I'd say the day he climbed on the scale and saw that his weight/height ratio put him in the 'obese' range but CHOSE not to do anything about it - I'd say that was exactly where it went wrong. When he chose to eat rather than exercise, when he made food his best friend...those would both be places where it all went wrong.

I understand that once you get to a certain weight it becomes self-perpetuating and you don't really have to eat a whole lot to maintain it, but you have to get to that point first....and you get there by eating and eating and eating and not doing a whole lot else.

Nobody except this young man 'did' him like anything, and him viewing himself as a victim is what really pissed me off. If he'd said 'I got nobody else to blame for this except myself' I'd have had a whole lot of respect for him. As it is, he seemed to want to place the blame for his lardassness on ANYone but himself. I think that as long as he has that attitude towards his size, he's not going to be successful at losing any weight or becoming a healtheir, functioning member of society and his community.

Like a typical addict, he finds that it's easier to sit around and feel sorry for yourself and eat/use, then blame everyone else for your eating/using. How many of us in the medical field have heard 'it's his/her/their fault. If they weren't such a bitch/dick/asshole I wouldn't drink/get stoned/eat'? I've heard it more than a few times, and I know I'll hear it a few more times during my career. It's the easy way out. Getting clean/sober/thin requires you to work; it's easier to stay drunk/high/fat and blame everyone else for your behaviour.

Even your deity.