Sunday, July 12, 2009

Please, in the name of humanity...

*Ahem* Can I have your attention, please?

Thank you. I have a public service announcement I'd like to make.

Summer is upon us, people. That means it's hot. Not HAWT, in like an oven. Hot, and sticky. I know how uncomfortable clothing can be when it's this hot, but please, in the name of humanity:

If you are a big girl or a larger lady, please don't squeeze your fat arse into shorty-shorts like the ones Victoria Beckham wears. You may think you look great (you may also think that you're not fat, but you are. Really. Trust me, you are) but you don't. You look like you're in pain most of the time, and I'm telling you you're going to do yourself a mischief if you try to sit down in those Daisy Dukes. They also make you sweat in odd places and nobody needs to see your sweaty camel toe and wedgie combination.

Speaking of sweaty, can I just say this: DEODORANT IS YOUR FRIEND, but you have to bathe regularly. You cannot - I repeat, YOU CANNOT - just keep applying layer after layer of deodorant and thinking it will keep the stank at bay. It won't, and it doesn't. Soap and hot water are your first line defense when it comes to not smelling to high heaven. I don't care if you're a skinny-minnie or a Fat Albert who has to wash themselves with a rag on a stick, each and every one of you needs to expose each part of your body to soap and water at least once a day when it's hot like this.

Now, let's talk about boobage. Ladies, I know that it's hot and that bras can be uncomfortable, but if you have big ol' breastessessesses, you MUST keep those bad boys harnessed. Just as nobody needs to see your dimpled ass cheeks hanging out of your shorty-shorts, nobody wants or needs to see your boobage hanging around your waistband. If you've got perky ones then perhaps wearing one of those tank tops that has a shelf bra in it is okay, but unless you've got ones that are literally self supporting please for the love of humanity wear a freakin' bra. If you have to roll your titties up and out of the way so you can button your pants then YES, you absolutely need to wear a bra.

Men, you're not let off the hook here either. I know that some of you have moobs because I've seen them. Whilst I'm sure that some of you are proud of them, please understand that you don't need to flash the flesh and show the rest of the world your man-tits. Please refrain from wearing those tank tops with the sides that droop open, especially if you have not followed my advice and washed your arse. You are a double affront to society when you wear those things; you offend not only sight but olfactory nerves too. Unless you have a fetish for it, armpit hair is pretty much universally considered gross...and ladies, please for the love of all that is good in this world, shave or wax or somehow de-fuzz yourselves if you're going to be wearing shorts and tank tops. The only thing worse than a man's hairy pit hanging out for all to see is a woman's hairy pit (actually, I tell a lie. There IS one thing worse and I was assaulted by the sight of it last week: a fat chick wearing shorts that were far too small and who failed to realize that her *ahem* bikini line extended down her inner thighs. Excuse me whilst I retch....*gag*).

Ok, where we were? Ah yes, I wanted to talk about feet. They're concealed most of the year, but come summertime everyone wants to display them - despite having ignored them for a good long time. Some of you don't seem to comprehend that feet are in fact a part of your body and therefore need to be washed with the soap and water we talked about earlier. They also have nails that need clipped, corns and calluses that need shaved or trimmed, are subject to various fungal infections that make them nasty to look at and can emanate an odor that the majority of the population finds most disagreeable and even repulsive. Being a military spouse I have been privy to lots of advice given by respected and seasoned leaders, but the one piece of advice that I hear again and again and again is this: take care of your feet, and they'll take care of you. This doesn't just apply to military personnel, this applies to you, too. Nobody is expecting perfect trotters all the time and you don't need to get a pedicure weekly or have pretty painted nails: just try to make sure they don't stink and people don't gag, flinch or recoil in sheer terror when they see your footsies.

As the banner underneath the title of this blog states, you are not here alone; there are other people who live on this planet with you. Whilst I am all for people living freely and in the manner they see fit, I'm also all about courtesy for those around you. So please, before you venture out into this big wide world we live in, take a moment to think: will my body odor be offensive to my fellow man, and if so what do I need to do to correct it? Will people really appreciate seeing my boobs/moobs/ass cheeks/nasty feet? Would I want to see theirs?

There is a happy medium here, people...and it's not that difficult to find.

Please feel free to print this out and give it to your friends and relatives; the more people that hear this message the better.


Chris said...

Been there seen that re the short shorts, no bra, big lass description recently. Add in the fact it got a bit nippy for a bit, and she was wearing a rather thin t-shirt... Not a nice image to see nipples pointing out from that low down!

MedicMatthew said...

Can I distribute this to some of my patients?

I was at the grocery the other day and there was this woman of considerable heft standing in line ahead of me, I heard a very very faint ringing noise at which point the woman turned to her friend and said "excuse me" while she lifted up her left teat and extracted her cell phone from beneath it and started yapping away.

Eventually this woman's items were rung up and the cashier presented her with the total due and, I shit you not, the woman lifted up her right teat to extract a wad of cash to pay for her items. Naturally the young cashier recoiled in horror and the woman actually had the audacity to say "What, you don't want my money?" Sensing that the cashier was trying her best to be polite and respectful I offered my observation.
"That is absolutely out & out dis-gus-ting, no body wants to handle money that you've been holding onto under your right tit, how would you like for me to hand you a wad of cash from the crack of my ass?"

The customer stormed off without her goods and the cashier thanked me and the front end manager thanked me as well, apparently it is common practice for this woman to do that and they have yet to find a diplomatic way to tell her that no one wants her sweaty, smelly boob money.