Dear Fat Old Man On A Scooter

Dear FOMOAS,

In case you didn't notice, my legs are made of flesh and bone with a light covering of skin. They are infinitely LESS durable than the metal and rubber of the scooter you're riding around on. If I kick your scooter, the scooter won't feel pain. However, the same cannot be said for my legs: if you run into them with your scooter, I will feel pain. It will hurt me, and that hurt will make me squeal out in surprise and pain.

For your information, there are many, many different cheeses in the dairy case I was standing next to when you hit me, and they are all labelled with their respective names. So, for you to say that "they're all the dang same" and to tell me that I "don't need to stand there fucking gawking at them"..well, that statement was erroneous. They ARE different - Colby is very different than Mozarella and Sharp Cheddar is not the same as Parmesan -, and I DID need to stand there looking at them to see which one it was that I wanted to purchase.

I don't really care that, by some freak of nature, you have managed to survive as long as you have. It means jack shit to me, because an asshole is an asshole is an asshole, no matter what their age. Your advanced years means diddly squat to me, you old coot. It just means that you're either too onery or too stupid to die.

I also don't give a fuck that you're riding a scooter. You ride one because you're fat and because you get winded when you walk. I'll let you into a secret, y'old bastard: you get winded when you walk because you weigh 400lbs. You weigh 400lbs because you choose to use a scooter to get around the store instead of walking. See, walking = exercise. Exercise = burning calories. Burning calories usually = weight loss/maintenance. Riding around on a scooter = a sedentary lifestyle, which does NOT = weight loss. See where your problem is? I couldn't help but notice that you had, in your basket, every kind of Little Debbie snack the store carries, lots of frozen TV dinners and ice cream, but no fresh fruits or vegetables or meats. No healthy stuff, in other words, and I'd like to remind you that that too probably has something to do with your incredible size and could contribute to your getting winded when you walk.

I'd also like to address your body odor. Do you ever wonder why people tend to stand 6' or more away from you when they interact with you? Yeah, that's because you STINK. I mean you really reek. Like stale BO and unwashed ass. It's gross, dude. The store we were in has an extensive toiletries aisle; there are dozens upon dozens of soaps and shampoos and deodorants down there. I'd like to suggest that head down there, buy some, and then that you try using them on a daily basis. I realize that it may be difficult to wash your body because of your sheer bulk, but surely you can find a rag on a stick or something to at least make an attempt to clean yourself?

Should be be unfortunate enough to meet in the store again and you decide to again ram my legs with your scooter, I will retaliate. You assaulted me yesterday, and I believe you did it knowingly because you, sir, are a fucking asshole who I think finds great pleasure in being a cranky old fart with a chip on his shoulder. So, I suggest that should we see each other again, you stay away from me. I'm not into making idle threats so I won't go into detail about what I'll do to you, but you can rest assured that should it happen again, one of us will be led away in handcuffs. I'm just sayin'.

That's all. Have a nice day - and don't forget to bathe!

Smoochies

NinjaMedic.