Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sometimes I despair for the future of humanity.

I really *do* despair for our future sometimes....usually when I'm reading the classified ads of the local newspapers, but especially when I'm perusing

Today, I managed to find these gems:

The man in the photo above is looking for love, apparently. He describes himself thus-ly:

looking for women - 45

i am single mail 45 yrs old looking for a friend/lover/solmat . am a social drinker open minded like to mike popple laugh and horney ass hell !!! can you take care of it grils ??? xoxo

*sigh* Where to begin...? First of all, if he is 45, I'm a monkey's uncle. Secondly...yeah, you know what? I'm not even going to go there. I think that his self description says it all, don't you?

Next, I found someone who is selling a "CARIO CABBINET WITH SOME DOLLS IN IT" (caps are their own work, not mine).
What is a cario cabbinet, exactly, and why does it have dolls in it? Why are the dolls included? Are they nailed or permanently attached to the piece of furniture?

A "Ma-hoggeny dinning table with leef" caught my eye next. I'm not familiar with the wood or the 'leef', but there seem to be an awful lot of 'dinning' tables up for sale in my locality. Are people sitting around these tables and shouting or playing loud music, perhaps?

I'm still trying to figure out what the next items are:
"Caprice - name brand" When I clicked on the ad, there was a photo of pants. I'm thinking that maybe the author wanted to sell their capri pants..?

There seems to be a lot of pieces of furniture called "Chester drawers" that people are trying to sell, some of which are "french Providential" style. I am not familiar with either of those things.

I had to post this next one in it's entirety because I don't think my describing it to you could have done it justice. It's heading is "free to upholster student" (which I don't quite get, either):

this is a chair from the 20's it is a rocker,has wheels,and alot of fancy wood work very nice chair but needs a uphostery job has original material i used this chair for many many years till grandson wiggled arm enough it came off its not broke its like i lost the screws its wierd and the wood work is perfect i can send pics if needed but this would be great for some one learning big pieces and straight cuts this is a family chair it was great great grandmas small chair she was 4 ft tall sits low to floor


Woah. That's a whole lotta single sentence right there. I wonder if the author came up for air when writing it?

I have no idea what this next person is looking for:
Im Lookings for Gondolas

I need a bout 20 secation gandola 2 sided . i need it for grocery store im willing to pay around $40 per can email me at (removed by NM)

Is a 'Gondola' the same as a 'gandola', and what exactly is a 'secation'?

Finally, we have a post that alarms me:
Hi im looking for a few new people to Tattoo. im very professional. all (((((new needles))))) an everythings pressure cooked in front of u. Im very professional an respectful to the client. for exsample those stars for 70 that butterfly is 40 the cultic heart is 50 an the heart with the banner with color an name 60 WILL TRADE FOR A NICE DIGITAL CAMERA!

First of all, a cheap tattoo isn't always a good thing. I don't understand why there are multiple parenthesies around the words 'new needles', and I sure as fuck wouldn't get inked by a guy who can't spell OR punctuate appropriately. I wonder how many people come out of his shop with thing's like 'Your Next' and ' mohter' etched into their skin. I'm not even going to touch the fact that he's willing to trade tattoos for a digital camera.

Watch this space for more classified and craigslist madness, coming soon!

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