Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Wash thy arse. Really.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts older, malodorous men to my general vicinity, but I sure as fuck wish I could lose it.

The other day it was an old man so slick with body oils and secretions that his skin shone and his hair was plastered to his scalp. His jeans were so dirty that they were shiny and his shirt had remnants of...well, I don't even want to think about what the stains were remnants of. Ick.

He got so close to me that I could feel (and smell) his breath disturbing my hair. I was buying drawers, and he made a comment about how they were "purdy" and he'd "sure like to see them on".

Eww. Just eww.

I couldn't think of what to say, for once. 'Fuck you" and 'get the fuck away from me you perv' would both have been very appropriate phrases, but the only thing I could think of was to play the boyfriend card. I told him my very tall virile boyfriend (I shoulda added "with a jealousy problem and a hair trigger temper" but I didn't) had said the same thing and that he was around the store somewhere if he wanted to talk to him about it.

He declined and shuffled away. I can't imagine why.

I know that a few people read my blog, and I don't know if any of them happen to be malodorous, but just in case they are:

PLEASE WASH YOURSELF. REALLY.
You may not be able to smell yourself, but trust me, the rest of us can. We can smell you coming from quite a distance, actually, and it makes some of us physically ill. There's this stuff called 'soap' and when it's used in conjunction with this other stuff called 'water' it does quite an effective job of removing your secretions and accompanying stench. You could even go so far as to apply this stuff called 'deodorant' - you'll find it on the same aisle as the 'soap'. I think you'll find that you wont be shunned and avoided nearly as much if you WASH YOUR ARSE regularly. It could be the start of a whole new life for you! You might start getting invitations to lunches and dinners and, if you're a single person (and I have a feeling that you might be because no self-respecting spouse would tolerate that kind of nastiness - unless they are themselves a STANK ASS) you may even get a date. You can thank me later and invite me to the wedding if that happens.


Next time we'll talk about washing your clothes. No, they don't fall to pieces if you get them wet. Fabrics are actually quite sturdy these days and are actually designed to be cleaned with that strange stuff called 'water' and another thing called 'detergent' - which, in case you were wondering, is soap for your clothes.

3 comments:

La Pierna Negra said...

Yarrgh, what about pirates do pirates have to bathe? Seriously though I sympathize with your social problem. I have a similar problem with women and my tattoos. Sheesh. Where are the normal people?

la isla d'lisa said...

Wholly shinola, I LMAO!! We have a new collegue at work who has a stankass problem of her own, and I find it exeedingly difficult to have to advise her on this. I'd not hesitate a second to tell one of the guys, but a fellow member of the egg set? Fer shame ... she should know better! I guess I just have higher expectations of the home team. Sigh.

Evil Transport Lady said...

ROFL! I was "gifted" with a very strong sense of smell. I cringe being around some of my co-workers. If they haven't showered or washed thier hair I suffer! And of course they are clueless!