*This is just me venting. I may not actually mean any of the things I say; I'm just saying them to get them off my chest. Please bear that in mind*
Being a military spouse, I've learned to spend holidays, anniversaries and birthdays alone. It usually doesn't bother me and I don't make a big deal out of it.
However, this year is different. I turn 40 in a few weeks. That's a milestone for me...it's a big deal. I had planned to go out with Urbaner, eat a nice dinner and have more than a few drinks to celebrate. I'd asked for the day off work so we could make this plan a reality.
Urbie called this morning to tell me he's leaving ON my birthday for a week or so, coming back for a few days, then leaving again at the very start of July for over 3 weeks.
I want to tell you I'm not upset, but I can't. I am upset. The one birthday I really wanted him to be here for, and he's going to be gone....not to mention that he's going to be gone pretty much the whole month after that.
Part of Numbah Two's issues was his father being gone. He's really close to his dad and takes him leaving, even if it's only for a few days, pretty hard. He's just coming out of a crisis situation, and here his dad is leaving AGAIN.....I'm worried about that, and about just how the fuck I'm going to handle it. I'm tough and I can handle a lot of stuff, but I am also human and have a breaking point.
I'm starting to feel like a single parent again, and I don't like it. I know that I was aware of all of this when I got married to an active duty military guy, but....I've sacrificed dreams and plans for the last 15 years and not really batted an eyelid over it, but this time....I'm starting to feel resentful, and I hate that. I hate that I feel that way, because the sane, rational part of me tells me that this is what Urbaner does for a living, it's what pays the majority of our bills and puts food on the table and a roof over our heads and that I should just put up and shut up. And, for the vast majority of our marriage and his career, I have. I do. I make do, I compensate, I put things off, I play mom AND dad, I try to make up for him not being here, I do everything I can to provide my family with as normal, stable a life as possible. It's just.....well, this birthday is the first time we've planned anything for me this far in advance, and it really hurts that we're going to have to cancel plans now. Coming on the heels of a shitty mother's day, I'm feeling neglected and unloved and generally left out and not cared about.
When is it going to be my turn? When am I going to get a fair shake? When can I be selfish?