Simon Cowell is a ratfink bastid.

* EDIT * The kid's name is Michael Nicewonder.

So I'm watching American Idol and there's some kid from Nebraska on there (why are the delusional ones always from Nebraska?) who looked - I swear on my mom's life now - who looked like Lloyd from 'Dumb and Dumber', 'cept this kid's hair was bleached a curious shade of banana yellow.

He said he was there to prove his mama wrong, 'cause she said he couldn't sing. He said he was going to sing an original song. As he opened his mouth and the first few notes came out, I could literally hear Mama Nicewonder's voice in my head saying 'boy, you're a damn FOOL! I TOLD you you couldn't sing, and here you gotta go make a fool outta yerself on NATIONAL TEE VEE!!!!'

It was horrible. So bad my toes curled up and I thought I might have to go poop. Truly a terrible noise.

And you know what Simon Cowell did? That ratfink basitd asked the guy if he had any more songs to sing, and when the kid said yes, he had one about his Gramma, Simon asked him to SING it.

OH YES HE DID. HE HAD THAT BOY MAKE THAT HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE NOISE AGAIN.

It made me have to run to go to the bathroom this time, and by the time I got back the noise had stopped and Banana Yellow Lloyd (Michael) was outside the audition room crying.

I don't know whether to feel bad for him or not. He's delusional, clearly, and singing is NOT his forte.

However, I do think that he may have a future with the US military as a frontline weapon; he could go out with the infantry and they could wear ear protection as he sang. The enemy troops would all be running for the latrines, dropping trou and shitting where they stood or filling their drawers.

Maybe all is not lost for Banana Yellow Lloyd (Michael) after all....