Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sometimes, I think too much.

I've been retelling war stories recently. I think all medics have them; stories of patients who were funny, patients who were dumb as a bag of hammers, smart ass patients, drug seeking patients, Darwin Award candidates, big patients, little patients.....

It's the little patients that have been bothering me. I can deal with adults all day long and not be too phased by it, but kids...they get to me.

I have three stories to tell at some point. Right now, apart from the people who were at the scenes with me, there are two people who know what happened...and one of them won't talk to me about it because they can't handle it either and don't care to talk about it.

Most days I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but if I think about it too much the memory follows me around like a shadow that I can't escape, no matter where I stand.

This afternoon that shadow is particularly long and dark.

5 comments:

Epijunky said...

I think we all have those shadows... I know that I do.

When you're ready to talk about them, on here, or in private... If that day comes know I'm here.

Cheating Death said...

NM, Epi--I think we need to start our own personal group sessions. Between us, Walt, and the rest of the medibloggers, we could really bring the walls tumbling down.

Realistically though, we'll hold it inside till it burns a hole through all that we know of ourselves.

medicblog999 said...

NM, I tend to deal with my demons a bit differently. I choose to remember and think about the bad jobs every now and then, it helps me deal with them as I feel it's important to remember. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have a mental list of all the 'bad jobs' to experience and tick them off as you go along. Each one, no matter how tough is ultimately a learning experience and after dealing with it, you know you could deal with it again. Even though you have this memory following you, it has served a purpose in your career. You have managed the situation and come back to work the next day to continue on. That to me, sounds like a strong person! Hopefully you have some good mates on station to support you.
Take care.

Walt Trachim said...

I can feel your pain all too well.

That said, it is good to talk with someone - anyone - about the calls we hang on to because they are so tough to deal with. I know from my own experience, at least, that it does make a difference.

Thinking good thoughts for you...

La Pierna Negra said...

If you stick around long enough in the EMS world this becomes an issue. There is no simple solution for the days when you think of when things went bad for whatever reason.

I have found it best to talk about it. Acknowledge that that day you are bothered and fucked up. The more you swallow it and repress the more it will effect your life in other ways. In ways you could not imagine.

Sounds like you have a good family life that in itself saves you from the demons that chase you in your dark moments.

So get up from the computer and hug one of your kids or husband for no reason and just hold on.