Thursday, April 23, 2009


I'm drinking Sumatra coffee, listening to my iPod and enjoying the stillness in the house.

(Weezer, 'Beverly Hills)

I hope life isn't going to throw me many more curveballs for a couple of days. The last couple of weeks has sucked sweaty monkey ass, to be honest.

(Girl Talk, 'Bounce That')

I've lost a shitload of weight over the past month....I've been getting smaller for a while now, but the amount of weight I've lost recently has left me slightly astounded. I was wearing a size 10 jeans at the start of March that were slightly loose, but still wearable. Those jeans are now so big that I can pull them down and off with the waist still buttoned and the fly zippered. I had a pair of 9's that were snug the last time I tried them on. I wore them yesterday, and needed a belt. I'm now in a 7/8 and have lost 40lbs since Christmas. I'm being told I look great (thanks, Doc V! You made my day) by people who haven't seen me in a couple of months, and I feel like myself again.

(Kings Of Leon, 'Sex On Fire')

Urbaner was showing some of the dudes and dudettes in his class photos of me. One girl said 'Oh, she looks so YOUNG!', to which Urbie said 'Yeah, but she'll be 40 in a few weeks!'. The girl's mouth dropped open and she said '...and she's still dressing like THAT??!?'. I was wearing low rise jeans and a babydoll tee shirt in the pic and my abs are pretty visible (it's a helluva photo, I tell ya. That's why he keeps it on his phone and iPod).
I might be middle aged, but I don't see that as a good reason to stop being myself. I'm never going to conform; I want to be the 70 year old chick with pink hair and torn jeans who can still relate to society and isn't afraid to stand up for what she believes in/who she is.
Fuck conformity; it's boring....

(Heart, 'Barracuda')

Numbah Two's stay in the adolescent psych unit opened his eyes in more ways than one. He realized that, contrary to his original opinion, he is NOT the only kid in the world to feel despondent and hopeless. He also saw kids who have some serious fucking issues; kids who OD'd because their parents beat the crap out of them and used them for sexual gratification, kids who have schizophrenia and who hallucinate, kids who slashed their skin to ribbons because they have such a deep-seated dislike and even hatred for themselves and their appearance. He saw one kid "freak the fuck out" (his description) and have to be physically restrained and chemically sedated on a daily basis.
That place broke my fucking heart when I visited him and admitted him. So many young people, kids who should have optimism about their lives and have innumerable doors open for them to walk through.....but who cannot see a future without pain and who decide that the dreams that may come when we shuffle off this mortal coil are preferrable to the reality of staying here.
(The Human League, 'Fascination')
I want to be able to tell you that he came out of there a changed person, that the medication he's on now is a miracle drug and that he's happy and shiny and sweet and secure.

But, I can't. He's still got problems, and stil refers to himself as 'messed up in the head'. He does, however, know that he has a support system for every aspect of his life and that he's been given tools to help him figure out who he is and what he's about. He's working his program, and I can honestly say that I think he'll be ok. It's not going to be a straight path, and I know that....but I know that he's heading in the right direction.

(The Who, 'My Generation')

Funerals. I cannot begin to tell you how much I fucking HATE funerals.

(Bob Marley, 'Everything's Gonna Be Alright')

I prefer to do my grieving in private. I understand the need for ritual and that funerals are for the living, not for the dead, but christ on a cracker I DETEST funerals.
I especially detest funerals where the pastor giving the eulogy decides that it's more appropriate to evangelize and tell the assembled mourners that they HAVE to be born again or else they won't go to heaven when they die. That's what happened are Morris's funeral. I wanted to stand up and yell at him that this was NOT a Sunday morning and this was NOT his church and that nobody was there to hear him preach, that we were there to say goodbye to our grandpa/father/brother/friend, to sit down and shut the fuck up because nobody here fucking cared about his make-believe-fairy-in-the-sky-so-called-god who allegedly royally fucked over his own SON and turned him into a zombie....but I didn't. It was only respect for my in laws that kept me in my seat. It turns out that most everyone there had the same opinion that I did (the non born agains, at least. There is a small born again faction in the family, and unfortunately they were the ones who chose the pastor).

Pastor, fuck you. Fuck YOU, dude. You make me fucking sick.

(Kid Rock, 'Cowboy')

I had physical therapy yesterday. It fucking hurt. My shoulder has been inflammed - I can hear it squishing and crunching when I move it, and I also have bicepital tendonitis in the same shoulder. I'm afraid I'm going to rupture that tendon if I don't take care of business, which would mean another therapy was indicated.

(Sublime, 'Santeria')

She hurt me. When I got done, I couldn't raise my arm above my waist without flinching and yelping. So, before I left the building, I asked the doc about a pain medication prescription. I haven't asked for narcs in months; I really don't like to take them unless I feel like I HAVE to. Fuck, I gave myself an ulcer trying to avoid narcs...I think that's a pretty good indicator of my dislike for them.
His nurse said she'd ask him at lunchtime, get back to me in the afternoon, and we scheduled more therapy appointments for me, the first one being today.

He never called me. I called at 1800 yesterday, and there was no prescription OR message for me. So, I cancelled my appointments. They didn't like that, apparently. That's too fucking bad, I think. I'm not going to put myself through that without knowing there's some relief available.

Am I being a baby about it?

1 comment:

Chris said...

Hope things start to improve for you NM