When it rains, it pours

Today has been a rough day.

This afternoon I went with my son to the adolescent psychiatric unit at a local hospital and admitted him. He's been cutting himself and says that he's had thoughts of suicide for a while now, and that he doesn't know how much longer he can control those thoughts. So, he got admitted. He'll be there for a few days, probably a week.

I know that he's been down and has had depressive episodes in the past, but I didn't know it had become this bad until yesterday. Whilst I didn't want to admit him and cried when I had to leave him there, I at least know that he's in a safe place and won't be able to harm himself tonight. If he had come home, I don't know that I would have got a lot of sleep. I'm sure he'll be medicated with a SSRI of some kind and I know he's going to have some intensive therapy, both group and individual, whilst he's there. Those are both good things, I think - whatever it takes to help him get better.

Telling my husband that his grandfather, the man who helped raise him, was dead was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I've talked to him a few times since then, and he seems to be coping well and grieving appropriately. I'm sad that he won't be able to go to the funeral, but FTS and LL and I will go in his place. Numbah Two won't be able to go - although I was told that if I talk to his psychiatrist we might be able to spring him out of there early. I'm not a big fan of that idea; I'd be taking a mentally fragile child into a highly emotional situation and I just don't think that's a good plan. So, he'll stay for the recommended amount of time and we'll work around that.

I'm going to have to call work tomorrow and let them know that I don't know when I'll be back. I want to create as stable an environment for NT as I can, and I think that working in the evenings and not being around when he gets home from school in the afternoons is a recipe for disaster. So, I'm going to ask for a leave of absence. If they give it to me, great. If not....well, they'll just have to fire me. My child and my family come before ANY job, period.

So far, I'm holding up well. I usually operate well under pressure and stress, and working for hospice means I've gained some pretty good coping mechanisms. I'm sad, yeah, but I'm okay.

I wish I could say the same for my kid.